I love life and sometimes it's just too much
I'm not being negative
I just need to say fuck
I'm in here now
The guy behind me is humming
One square inch
Can I have one square inch to call my own
I observe myself eating my fingers
Chewing my cuticles
Don't let that stop you, keep going
Need pain to feel
Shell so thick around me
Nothing gets through
No ordinary soft feelings
Like love or joy or the sunset
Localizing my pain helps
I think it's funny and that's another lie
Don't have time to eavesdrop on your world
It is hilarious that you think I do
I saw a movie last night
The guy reminded me of you
The shame I had over loving you
Must still be with me
You came to mind
I don't miss you don't want you
Just need to make myself feel bad
I think I'll rip away at my cuticles
For awhile instead
Localizing my pain helps
Sometimes my pain looks like you
Sometimes it looks like a bloody hand
Dangling from my arm
All the same old, rooted in my gut pain
All you did was interfere, get in my way
Interrupt my self hatred
And wear it like a princely robe with powers
to destroy or grant reprieves
Without my pain you were nothing
Do you feel your powers start to slide away
Slower, fast, faster, rapidly declining
Hanging on by a thin bare thread
Now the tiniest of microscopic filaments
That's right
Relish this final moment
For you are about
To Disappear.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
FRIEDOM
"You drink your coffee like there's bourbon in it."
Friedom (Danish and pronounced "freedom"), his
voice hisses through my open window and me
thinking the horizontal blinds keeping out the world.
I smile back, "I never sipped my bourbon." He laughs.
It's fun to make this homeless man laugh. Had the
Homestead Act still been in place he would own the
garage behind my five unit one-story apartment building,
having squatted rent free for the past three years.
Sleeping on blankets his box of possessions at his side.
This week had produced a new friedom. In his homeless,
carless, moneyless world he somehow received a
Mastercard and promptly got a full set of new teeth. I had
grown used to his brown broken stubs he hid behind a
tight smile. "These temps are a bit yellow, the real fakes
are whiter." Yet I shaded my eyes against the glare. They
looked perfect. Out of place, almost horse-like compared
to the winter forest of before. He said they cost too much
and that the dentist worked on his teeth from 3:30 pm to
3:30 am. "Now I can have sex and die from aids like everyone
else." Yes, you can. Having met someone on a gay chat board
he was looking forward to a new life. I only somewhat
understood his predicament, having broken my own right front
tooth on a Skittle weakened by an old root canal. The crack ran
diagonally across and up to the point that the entire tooth had
to be extracted. At the time it seemed exciting, having a blank
spot in my smile. Sporting a "flipper" they called it, a retainer
with one fake tooth until the gum healed and a real fake one
could be implanted. That I would talk with a lisp and have
something removable in my mouth seemed pleasingly different.
Something new. Always intrigued by something new had gotten
me into a lot of trouble during my life but this seemed like a
reasonable thrill. It wasn't so much the intrigue of something
new getting me in trouble but my denial of that fact and
staunch refusal to do anything about it. However the thrill
of being called Elmer Fudd by my boss, and "once that tooth
is in we can take her out." was getting old
although I did like the attention. And the added burden of
brushing another tooth separately each night, of not biting into
my food like I used to, of never chewing gum again at least
for a while. This being California, I kept my Bubba tooth, yes we
named it, in a plastic round container by the front door
long with a banana and my shoes. The threat of earthquakes
keeps one prepared for the worst and what would be worse
than to escape a falling building only to survive and be
interviewed on TV without a front tooth?
Friedom (Danish and pronounced "freedom"), his
voice hisses through my open window and me
thinking the horizontal blinds keeping out the world.
I smile back, "I never sipped my bourbon." He laughs.
It's fun to make this homeless man laugh. Had the
Homestead Act still been in place he would own the
garage behind my five unit one-story apartment building,
having squatted rent free for the past three years.
Sleeping on blankets his box of possessions at his side.
This week had produced a new friedom. In his homeless,
carless, moneyless world he somehow received a
Mastercard and promptly got a full set of new teeth. I had
grown used to his brown broken stubs he hid behind a
tight smile. "These temps are a bit yellow, the real fakes
are whiter." Yet I shaded my eyes against the glare. They
looked perfect. Out of place, almost horse-like compared
to the winter forest of before. He said they cost too much
and that the dentist worked on his teeth from 3:30 pm to
3:30 am. "Now I can have sex and die from aids like everyone
else." Yes, you can. Having met someone on a gay chat board
he was looking forward to a new life. I only somewhat
understood his predicament, having broken my own right front
tooth on a Skittle weakened by an old root canal. The crack ran
diagonally across and up to the point that the entire tooth had
to be extracted. At the time it seemed exciting, having a blank
spot in my smile. Sporting a "flipper" they called it, a retainer
with one fake tooth until the gum healed and a real fake one
could be implanted. That I would talk with a lisp and have
something removable in my mouth seemed pleasingly different.
Something new. Always intrigued by something new had gotten
me into a lot of trouble during my life but this seemed like a
reasonable thrill. It wasn't so much the intrigue of something
new getting me in trouble but my denial of that fact and
staunch refusal to do anything about it. However the thrill
of being called Elmer Fudd by my boss, and "once that tooth
is in we can take her out." was getting old
although I did like the attention. And the added burden of
brushing another tooth separately each night, of not biting into
my food like I used to, of never chewing gum again at least
for a while. This being California, I kept my Bubba tooth, yes we
named it, in a plastic round container by the front door
long with a banana and my shoes. The threat of earthquakes
keeps one prepared for the worst and what would be worse
than to escape a falling building only to survive and be
interviewed on TV without a front tooth?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
ONE TIME DAVE
The holiday lights and sounds wafting up from thirty stories
below lapped at his bare toes. From his rooftop terrace view
the edges of intruding lower arches prohibited full exposure
of the city's New Years Eve revelers, yet their cheers cloaked
Dave in loneliness. The humid air hung thick, he thought,
thick enough on which to float. He tested the ephemeral
cushion with his feet. The blue neon clock tower at the beach
glowed 11:59:00 PM, 11:59:01, 11:59:02. His thoughts
stretched, thinning like the last passing moments of the year.
And then this idea of a new year. Of starting over. Erase the
past like a bad dream never remembered is what he wanted.
His mother labeled him the late bloomer though eldest of her
twelve children, but he felt like a loser. Until she happened
along. She with the home-wrecker breasts between which he
slept and dreamed. She with the heart and mind that sucked
him in, captive along with his eight brothers, even the three
sisters had been drawn to her essence when she entered the
room.
Then gone, as mysteriously as she had appeared, her memory
a cancer entwined around his bones as he watched the others
go back to their own lives and forget.
Over the ledge of the brick terrace wall, legs dangling in the
full bodied air, he wiggled his toes. On the loneliest night of
the year he pushed off from the wall onto the thick billow of air
and floated at first, his shirt inflating then ripping away from
his thin body.
With increasing speed he dropped feet first past a swirl of
twinkling red and green until midway down he turned and
contorted his body into a beautiful majestic swan dive, so
was his need to be seen, to prove he had not disappeared
though he knew that he had.
Faces in the crowd rush at him, the thick air enfolding him,
protecting him, and with his last thought he wondered why
no one had told him it would feel this good to be rid of it all,
such was the effect of the massaging pressure against him
as he plummeted downward.
In the crowd stood a young woman he had never before seen,
strands of her long red hair sticking to the stem of her
champagne glass. His eyes locked onto the glistening bubbles
in her fluted crystal and at 11:59:59 PM he disappeared into the
sparkling brew amidst welcoming cheers.
Rising, he broke through the liquid surface as the blue neon
clock tower glowed 12:00:00 midnight. Suddenly the lights
were too bright, the sounds too harsh and he cried as firm hands
wrapped him in a soft blue towel. Without the burdens of the
past he was much lighter. Small and newborn.
Surrounding faces shed tears as those same large hands lay
him on the breast of that beautiful redhead and she cradled him
gently, firmly against her and he only able to accept that feeling
of a requited longing stemming from a desire he understood not.
below lapped at his bare toes. From his rooftop terrace view
the edges of intruding lower arches prohibited full exposure
of the city's New Years Eve revelers, yet their cheers cloaked
Dave in loneliness. The humid air hung thick, he thought,
thick enough on which to float. He tested the ephemeral
cushion with his feet. The blue neon clock tower at the beach
glowed 11:59:00 PM, 11:59:01, 11:59:02. His thoughts
stretched, thinning like the last passing moments of the year.
And then this idea of a new year. Of starting over. Erase the
past like a bad dream never remembered is what he wanted.
His mother labeled him the late bloomer though eldest of her
twelve children, but he felt like a loser. Until she happened
along. She with the home-wrecker breasts between which he
slept and dreamed. She with the heart and mind that sucked
him in, captive along with his eight brothers, even the three
sisters had been drawn to her essence when she entered the
room.
Then gone, as mysteriously as she had appeared, her memory
a cancer entwined around his bones as he watched the others
go back to their own lives and forget.
Over the ledge of the brick terrace wall, legs dangling in the
full bodied air, he wiggled his toes. On the loneliest night of
the year he pushed off from the wall onto the thick billow of air
and floated at first, his shirt inflating then ripping away from
his thin body.
With increasing speed he dropped feet first past a swirl of
twinkling red and green until midway down he turned and
contorted his body into a beautiful majestic swan dive, so
was his need to be seen, to prove he had not disappeared
though he knew that he had.
Faces in the crowd rush at him, the thick air enfolding him,
protecting him, and with his last thought he wondered why
no one had told him it would feel this good to be rid of it all,
such was the effect of the massaging pressure against him
as he plummeted downward.
In the crowd stood a young woman he had never before seen,
strands of her long red hair sticking to the stem of her
champagne glass. His eyes locked onto the glistening bubbles
in her fluted crystal and at 11:59:59 PM he disappeared into the
sparkling brew amidst welcoming cheers.
Rising, he broke through the liquid surface as the blue neon
clock tower glowed 12:00:00 midnight. Suddenly the lights
were too bright, the sounds too harsh and he cried as firm hands
wrapped him in a soft blue towel. Without the burdens of the
past he was much lighter. Small and newborn.
Surrounding faces shed tears as those same large hands lay
him on the breast of that beautiful redhead and she cradled him
gently, firmly against her and he only able to accept that feeling
of a requited longing stemming from a desire he understood not.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
DRESSING FOR THE MAN
Advancing years had Sheila waking up in need of make up, especially under
the eyes. Efficiency was not her main concern this morning as she looked in
the mirror and studied the face she had seen for 49 years. But this morning
was different as she shoved her flattened brows to a standing position and
thought of the people at work. Nice, crazy, smart, urgent people. But personally
what did she care except that she earned money, wasn't bored and actually liked
being there. But no energy, nothing special went into her morning routine. How
could she put some snap back into her life? How could she cultivate the aura of
energy that draws people to her, makes them desire to be around her?
She decided she would imagine she was dressing for a date with George Clooney.
So with George in mind she applied her make up with more care, blew her hair
straighter to accentuate the blonde highlights and donned her great jeans, gray
long sleeve sweater with the one inch collar, the body of which cut off at her waist
and a a white shirt that hung out a little at the edge of the sweater. Her brown boots
completed the outfit.
Pleased, she drove to work.
Her attitude was confident. They gave her compliments on her sweater and to her
delight noticed her hair appeared more blonde.
"Did you use a new shampoo?" the 24 year old that sat next to her asked.
"I dressed like I had a date with George Clooney", she confided to the young
woman.
"You are such a freak" the young girl laughed.
"I know, isn't it fun!"
The 24 year old smiled the kind of smile that agrees, even envies the older
woman's ability to not only come up with this game, but to play it successfully
and then reveal her secret.
The next day several women showed up looking noticeably smart in their
carefully pulled together outfits. And the next, and the next.
That Sheila was dressing for imaginary men was never openly discussed again
but by week's end a new energy had taken over the office, and one man was seen
coming back from lunch with a retail bag on his arm.
the eyes. Efficiency was not her main concern this morning as she looked in
the mirror and studied the face she had seen for 49 years. But this morning
was different as she shoved her flattened brows to a standing position and
thought of the people at work. Nice, crazy, smart, urgent people. But personally
what did she care except that she earned money, wasn't bored and actually liked
being there. But no energy, nothing special went into her morning routine. How
could she put some snap back into her life? How could she cultivate the aura of
energy that draws people to her, makes them desire to be around her?
She decided she would imagine she was dressing for a date with George Clooney.
So with George in mind she applied her make up with more care, blew her hair
straighter to accentuate the blonde highlights and donned her great jeans, gray
long sleeve sweater with the one inch collar, the body of which cut off at her waist
and a a white shirt that hung out a little at the edge of the sweater. Her brown boots
completed the outfit.
Pleased, she drove to work.
Her attitude was confident. They gave her compliments on her sweater and to her
delight noticed her hair appeared more blonde.
"Did you use a new shampoo?" the 24 year old that sat next to her asked.
"I dressed like I had a date with George Clooney", she confided to the young
woman.
"You are such a freak" the young girl laughed.
"I know, isn't it fun!"
The 24 year old smiled the kind of smile that agrees, even envies the older
woman's ability to not only come up with this game, but to play it successfully
and then reveal her secret.
The next day several women showed up looking noticeably smart in their
carefully pulled together outfits. And the next, and the next.
That Sheila was dressing for imaginary men was never openly discussed again
but by week's end a new energy had taken over the office, and one man was seen
coming back from lunch with a retail bag on his arm.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
PARIS
A broken heart does not Paris mend. She tried to imagine scenarios
to match the uninhabited mansion meant now only for show and focused
on the ungroomed back corner of a small garden, the part of the over all
that was ignored and invisible, much like herself.
Scratching out her pain on an odd-sized tablet with a pen purchased
in the 16th Arrondismeau near her school, she sat on a wooden chair
near the pond in Luxembourg Gardens. It was July and hot and her heart
heavy. The little French boy and girl with their pet duck swimming,
the relaxed couples lounging, enjoying the beauty around them.
She tossed off these images with a shake of her head and noted Central
Castings eagerness to accommodate all but her.
So not like Hemingway she thought and decided Hem only loved Paris in
retrospection, his dislike for the things he professed to later love would
dominate. Was she less than human in her disdain for this city? It was
not in the actual living but the Proustian idea of the remembrance of
things past that scared the hell out of her. What if the real joy of living
was felt only in one's memory? The pain of life certainly was.
With half her money gone and two-thirds of her stay remaining she made
her way to the McDonalds across from the Pantheon and bought a burger
and fries, a sure cure for the broke and broken.
She stuffed her parisian fast food into her purse and waited with the
others for the Pantheon to open. It struck her as odd something that old
would have hours.
And waiting to see dead people. Not a festive thought, but she was
here and so were they.
Inside the cold, dim rooms she wondered how many men it took to
slide the tomb covers off the thick stone slabs encasing the remains.
Sections of the Pantheon were crumbling, large pieces dropping from
the beautifully painted ceiling in areas where visitors were cordoned off.
A narrow casing of steps wound up to an open rooftop patio where
the view on this clear day, spectacular. Above her to the left, the
Pantheon dome. She climbed up the curved smooth surface, above the
ordinary tourists, and ate her burger and fries. Paris spread out below,
a cream colored, two-storied city with flashes of interest populating its
sprawl. The Sacre Coeur church, the ferris wheel at the Tulleries, the Eiffel
Tower and Notre Dam.
Crumbling her wrappers she lay back against the warm surface of the
dome. Arms spread as though on a cross, she lay open to the sun and
imagined, as she had one month ago on a beach in the Hamptons, the
healing properties of light filtering through the universe, that beating
down upon her would some how cleanse her soul and destroy all the
darkness and pain within.
to match the uninhabited mansion meant now only for show and focused
on the ungroomed back corner of a small garden, the part of the over all
that was ignored and invisible, much like herself.
Scratching out her pain on an odd-sized tablet with a pen purchased
in the 16th Arrondismeau near her school, she sat on a wooden chair
near the pond in Luxembourg Gardens. It was July and hot and her heart
heavy. The little French boy and girl with their pet duck swimming,
the relaxed couples lounging, enjoying the beauty around them.
She tossed off these images with a shake of her head and noted Central
Castings eagerness to accommodate all but her.
So not like Hemingway she thought and decided Hem only loved Paris in
retrospection, his dislike for the things he professed to later love would
dominate. Was she less than human in her disdain for this city? It was
not in the actual living but the Proustian idea of the remembrance of
things past that scared the hell out of her. What if the real joy of living
was felt only in one's memory? The pain of life certainly was.
With half her money gone and two-thirds of her stay remaining she made
her way to the McDonalds across from the Pantheon and bought a burger
and fries, a sure cure for the broke and broken.
She stuffed her parisian fast food into her purse and waited with the
others for the Pantheon to open. It struck her as odd something that old
would have hours.
And waiting to see dead people. Not a festive thought, but she was
here and so were they.
Inside the cold, dim rooms she wondered how many men it took to
slide the tomb covers off the thick stone slabs encasing the remains.
Sections of the Pantheon were crumbling, large pieces dropping from
the beautifully painted ceiling in areas where visitors were cordoned off.
A narrow casing of steps wound up to an open rooftop patio where
the view on this clear day, spectacular. Above her to the left, the
Pantheon dome. She climbed up the curved smooth surface, above the
ordinary tourists, and ate her burger and fries. Paris spread out below,
a cream colored, two-storied city with flashes of interest populating its
sprawl. The Sacre Coeur church, the ferris wheel at the Tulleries, the Eiffel
Tower and Notre Dam.
Crumbling her wrappers she lay back against the warm surface of the
dome. Arms spread as though on a cross, she lay open to the sun and
imagined, as she had one month ago on a beach in the Hamptons, the
healing properties of light filtering through the universe, that beating
down upon her would some how cleanse her soul and destroy all the
darkness and pain within.
MUSIC
She turned her cream colored Dodge down her north Dallas
suburban street right into a wall of music. Not odd, considering
32 kids lived in this neighborhood block.
Five houses down on the left she pulls into the only red brick
home with a circle drive in the front, the music so loud now even
the voices of her own thoughts beaten silent.
All doors and windows of the surrounding homes were closed to
keep the simmering Texas sun out and the air conditioning in.
But she had convinced herself it was to repeal the assault.
Entering the front door the music grew inconceivably louder.
Not the sound of Bread or Kiss or Boston or the Stones. A rhythmic
marching beat. Cosack-like. Germans, Russians, and the US military
marching. An entire orchestra sending troops to war.
And the marching. Pounding of boots, not on gravel but linoleum.
Now hardwood, now across entryway tiles her father's stern, energized
steps . Left, right, left.
A can of Pearl beer in his left hand, a lit cigarette in his right. Marching.
Marching. Her escape down the hallway coincides with the arrival of
his military might.
"Hi Dad," Over-powering and without as much as a glance or a nod, nay
without acknowledgment of any kind, this army of one stomps past
muttering orders to his troops, not understandable but spoken in that
"I'm talking to myself don't interrupt" ind of way while simultaneously
flattening his daughter against the hall wall in his wake.
He proceeds to the end of the hallway and with a drag from his cigarette
and a gulp of his Pearl beer, he reverses direction though not labeled
retreat in his mind.
suburban street right into a wall of music. Not odd, considering
32 kids lived in this neighborhood block.
Five houses down on the left she pulls into the only red brick
home with a circle drive in the front, the music so loud now even
the voices of her own thoughts beaten silent.
All doors and windows of the surrounding homes were closed to
keep the simmering Texas sun out and the air conditioning in.
But she had convinced herself it was to repeal the assault.
Entering the front door the music grew inconceivably louder.
Not the sound of Bread or Kiss or Boston or the Stones. A rhythmic
marching beat. Cosack-like. Germans, Russians, and the US military
marching. An entire orchestra sending troops to war.
And the marching. Pounding of boots, not on gravel but linoleum.
Now hardwood, now across entryway tiles her father's stern, energized
steps . Left, right, left.
A can of Pearl beer in his left hand, a lit cigarette in his right. Marching.
Marching. Her escape down the hallway coincides with the arrival of
his military might.
"Hi Dad," Over-powering and without as much as a glance or a nod, nay
without acknowledgment of any kind, this army of one stomps past
muttering orders to his troops, not understandable but spoken in that
"I'm talking to myself don't interrupt" ind of way while simultaneously
flattening his daughter against the hall wall in his wake.
He proceeds to the end of the hallway and with a drag from his cigarette
and a gulp of his Pearl beer, he reverses direction though not labeled
retreat in his mind.
Moving Home
"You can always move home," her mother's voice sincere, not angry, even hopeful
"But will we have to speak?"
"What?" her word more spit out than released.
"Will we always have to talk?"
Mom's happy, hopeful smile now screws in a tight twist across her face.
"No, not always, but mute co-existence will be uncomfortable."
"But each time we pass in the hallway I don't want to have to feel like
I always have to say hi."
Her mother's expression that of a woman whose daughter suddenly sprouted
two additional heads. "I don't understand what you mean."
"I mean, if I'm watching TV and go down the hallway during a commercial
and you or dad approach from the opposite direction, we're close enough to touch.
Do we pass by like the other isn't there, or do we smile, nod and say hello
because all this acknowledging could get old."
With a dismissive shake of her head Mom tidies up the kitchen. I" don't see it
being a problem. One hi a day is fine, two max.
She wanted to believe her mom but lingering doubts were bolstered by the
thought that living life as a permanent greeter at some social function was
cause for concern.
That she felt a stranger in her own home escaped them both.
"But will we have to speak?"
"What?" her word more spit out than released.
"Will we always have to talk?"
Mom's happy, hopeful smile now screws in a tight twist across her face.
"No, not always, but mute co-existence will be uncomfortable."
"But each time we pass in the hallway I don't want to have to feel like
I always have to say hi."
Her mother's expression that of a woman whose daughter suddenly sprouted
two additional heads. "I don't understand what you mean."
"I mean, if I'm watching TV and go down the hallway during a commercial
and you or dad approach from the opposite direction, we're close enough to touch.
Do we pass by like the other isn't there, or do we smile, nod and say hello
because all this acknowledging could get old."
With a dismissive shake of her head Mom tidies up the kitchen. I" don't see it
being a problem. One hi a day is fine, two max.
She wanted to believe her mom but lingering doubts were bolstered by the
thought that living life as a permanent greeter at some social function was
cause for concern.
That she felt a stranger in her own home escaped them both.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)